I'm not proud of this fact. I just know that it's true.
For those of you who don't know the difference, Midgets are small people whose limbs are generally proportionate while Dwarves are small people who have shortened limbs but their hands, feet and heads are about the same as those of larger people.
Peter Dinklage and Verne Troyer are Dwarves, while Harry Earle, the lead actor in Freaks was a Midget. At least that's the way I understand it. I could be wrong.
It really doesn't matter. I am terrified of all Little People.
Now, I know what you're thinking. What's the big deal? Seriously, how often do you come across a Little Person anyway. Once every 5 years or so. Once in a blue moon.
Tell you what. It's a lot more often than that.
I've encountered Little People all over the world. I had one wait on me recently at my local Starbucks. I had one speak at an AA meeting I attended. (She had some great drunk stories by the way.) I've run into them in Europe and I even had one staying at my hotel when I was teaching in Iraq back in 2007. Those Little People are everywhere.
Probably the strangest encounter I've ever had with a Little Person was back in 1988 when I lived behind the church at Highland and Franklin in the heart of Hollywood.
The church itself is probably best known for the Giant Aids ribbon that has long decorated the front of the church. If you've ever been to Hollywood you've probably seen it as you drive up Highland Boulevard on your way to Mann's Chinese or the Walk of Fame. The AIDS Ribbon went up early in the crisis and it has never come down. They are deservedly proud of it.
Back in 1988, I used to live behind the church with my girlfriend Dawn. This was a couple of years before the ribbon went up and a couple of years before I got sober.
We lived in a triplex bungalow with a former South African model named Merle upstairs and young singer songwriter named Tori Amos next door. Yeah, that Tori Amos. She was a friend of Dawn's.
It was quite a group living there and if I could remember a little more of what happened I might be able to tell you some really great stories. But since I drank a lot back then and loved to mix my booze with coke and extasy I missed a lot of what went on. It was a good time as I remember it, though.
Anyway, Dawn got a job in New York that summer and had to move across the country. That left me to take care of myself with the help of Merle, who Dawn had instructed to make dinner for me because in Merle's words, "Dawn said you won't eat if I don't feed you." I thought that was a bit much, but since I quite enjoyed Merle's company I was more than happy to eat dinner with her each night.
You see Merle had lost her modeling career because at the age of 18 she popped out with the most amazing breasts this man had ever seen. It seems the clothes didn't hang right after she blossomed and she went from in demand runway star to just an incredibly beautiful young woman. She also had the most amazing accent and fine record collection.
When Dawn left for New York I got a job teaching reading development in Orange Country. That meant I had to get up early every morning and take the I-5 down to such exotic locations as Fountain Valley, Irvine and Tustin. Sometimes it would take me two or three hours just to get to the location where I was teaching and another two or three hours to get home. Those long drives and my continued drug use meant I wasn't getting a lot of sleep.
Which brings us to the Little People in question. Or should I say Little Person.
One morning when I started to leave for work, I stepped out onto my porch and almost tripped over... you got it, a Midget. At first I thought I'd finally gone around the bend and the Midget on my stoop was a figment of my imagination. But then the young man spoke to me.
"You seen any little people around here?" He said.
I glanced around furtively. Wondering if there was somehow a small Army of Midgets and Dwarves had surrounded my house during the night. But alas he was the only Little Person around.
At this point I seriously thought about turning around and going back in the house. Starting the day with a Midget on my porch didn't seem like a good omen to me. I mean, I'm really afraid of them. Lie some people are with snakes.
But I decided to face my fears.
"No, man." I responded. "I ain't seen no little people around. Should there be."
"There should be a bunch of them." Was the little guy's response. He explained that he was there for an audition for the film Dick Tracy. The church had rented out the gym to the producers and today they were casting Little People for roles in the movie.
I was starting to get a little queasy as he spoke. I'm sure part of it was the X that was still coursing through my body, or maybe the last line of coke I did in the bathroom as I was getting ready. Either way, I didn't really want to be attacked by a group of Little People actors looking for their next gig.
The Midget surmised that he might be a tad early for his audition and asked if I could let him inside the gymnasium. He would have let himself in, but he was too short to reach the door handle. I told him I didn't mind letting him but expressed my concern that he wouldn't be able to get out if he had the wrong day and the Dick Tracy folks didn't show up.
"I'll be fine," he said. "I'm sure I've got the right day. "
I let him in the gym and then drove down to the OC. I had a tough time teaching that day. I kept thinking about the Little Man back at the church. I really hoped the Dick Tracy people treated him well during his audition. More importantly I hoped they let him out of the gym.
I certainly didn't want a dead midget on my hands.
I got home about ten hours later and went straight into my house. I was afraid to go into the gym for fear of what kind of madness might be going on inside. Who knows what kind of things they had those Little People do during the auditions.
I never found out if the Little Man got the part, but I'm pretty sure he got out of the gym.
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